I’m sure you noticed that I haven’t been posting lately. It has actually been almost three months since I have written a blog post! This year I have been really struggling, but with family and friends I feel like I am finally starting to get back on track.
“I can’t call it depression” is what I told myself because there are people out there that hurt so much more than me. Because of that, I tried to cover up how I was feeling and go back to how I was before I felt this way, even when it felt impossible to move. I ended up getting even deeper before I let myself get any help. Since COVID this is what I told myself. I said in my head over and over again that I can’t struggle with depression… I write a blog about happiness, people know me for my smile, my happiness is my identity - but I felt sad, I felt numb and I wouldn’t let myself accept that I was feeling this way. I stopped answering texts, I lost all motivation, I cried for no reason, ate too much or not at all and sat on the couch all day if I could. I lost control of my happiness to the point where I didn’t even run or write this blog (as you’ve probably noticed). I debated sharing this, but I bet there’s other people out there that struggle with this too and need to hear it. I still find it extremely hard to say that I have mild depression because it isn’t anywhere near as bad as other people, but there are so many different kinds of depression. I’ve learned in today’s world almost everyone will feel some variation of it at some point in their lives. I was always so thankful that I didn’t need to worry about where my smile would come from because it was already there but when COVID hit, I lost my smile. I lost what defined me and I felt numb. I was no longer able to be the one for others to give them a smile and hoped someone would be there for me. I knew what it could be so I pushed myself some days when I felt like I couldn’t, but I wouldn’t let myself call it depression. I’ll still say I experience “sadness” because I don’t feel I have the right to call it that. But the thing is, to overcome it, I have to call it what it is, and it is depression. How could I, the creator of Pieces of Happiness, experience depression… Well, the easy answer is I’m human. So many things can cause depression and many, many people experienced it during this past year and a half. The thing that gets me the most is that life is great! I have an amazing boyfriend, I get to spend time with my mom and family, I have a great internship, and so much free time! So why be sad? Honestly, I don’t have an answer for that… but I do know that it’s okay. Sometimes you don’t need a reason, but you have to acknowledge the feelings. So, where’s the pieces of happiness in this? Honestly, I’m still figuring this out. It still can be hard but I have been getting a lot better. Going to a therapist has helped me so much. If you feel any of this at all (even a little bit) I strongly suggest seeing a therapist. There’s the social stigma with it, I know, but it has changed my life in so many ways. I wish everyone could have a therapist because they are so so good. In therapy I got the push I needed – being able to share how I am feeling and talk about it with someone is huge! I signed up for a nutrition program, went to the library every week, started working out more, and am starting to feel really happy again. There is a difference between depression and sadness and it is good to know those differences, but if you think you could be experiencing depression, it’s ok to ask for help rather than to label it as sadness and try to ignore it. I still have days where it hits me and I can’t do anything about it, but I am learning how to overcome it. I hope to start posting more consistently again and learning some more about happiness! If you need someone to talk to or are afraid of the label, please reach out! I would love to talk with you :)
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August 2022
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